Children update

Sean absolutely loves pre-school. I can tell already how many things he's learning and picking up from new teachers and friends. For the most part, they have been good. I think my little boy may even have his first crush. Her name is Naomi and she is adorable.

Keira is having those true mini-language explosions that Sean never really had. In what feels like just two weeks she tripled her words. She's even putting multiple words together such as feet shoes, when she wants me to put her shoes on.

I think the part that still gets me the most even 19 months later...how different and how similiar they are. I almost dread figuring each milestone out as one or the other because it's just this big sign that reminds me that I don't know what Connor would have done. Would he have been a shy little guy like Sean or a pistol like Keira? Would he have been an observer like Sean or a talker like Keira?

I know most people say that the first smile is one of their favorite firsts. Mine is really much later. My favorite moments from Sean was the first time he gave me a kiss (18 months in St. Louis vacation) and the first time he said I love you (2.5 years old in NY vacation). Keira also gave me her first kiss at 18 months in NY vacation)...I'm anxiously waiting to see when the I love you moment happens in the next year. I think these two moments are so important to me because it's what I long most from Connor...to hear/know/feel that he loved me as much as I love him.

Anyway...can't change it and don't want to think anymore about it today!

Here's new pics...

You're so blessed...

I'm just getting back from a week visiting the in-laws in New York. I think I have my new all-time favorite "I'm going to kill you" statement...

You're so blessed to have one of each!

Blessed...BLESSED...are you freaking kidding me! First, I have two sons and a daughter. Second, what part is blessed when I only have two of three children living. Third, how did you imply that my life is wonderful and perfect now that I living children...their birth did not erase the pain!

Did I say any of this...nope, I sat there with a stupid smile on my face and just nodded. Didn't want to correct the well-intention family member. So instead, it's been 4 days later and I'm still thinking about this.

Things from other blogs...

I finally did some reading this evening and two things really jumped out at me...

1.) A mother was expressing the jealously upon hearing news of twins (she lost a twin).

"Sometimes it's quiet and only whispers. Sometimes the whispers become screams. "

It just seems to sum up so many things!

2.) A short questionnaire that made me really think about Connor:

1 In a word, how would you characterize yourself before your loss, and then after?

Before: Planner
Today: Educated

2 How do you feel around pregnant women?

For women not a part of the deadbabyland or infertility: Jealous...of the innocence...of the happiness...of their success.

For the "club" women: Hope and fear that they will get that deep breath when they hear their baby cry.

3 How do you answer the 'how many children' question?

For the most part, I pretty much answer with 3. The only alternative when not a direct question like this is "I have two at home".

4 How did you explain what happened to your lost baby to your living children? Or, if this was your first pregnancy, will you tell future children about your first?

I plan to tell my living children. I just hope Connor means something more than the answer response to "what's your brother's name".

5 What would another pregnancy mean to you, and how would you get through it—or are you done with babymaking?

We are done!!!!

6 Imagine being able to step back in time and whisper into the ear of your past self the day after your baby died. What would you say?

I'm actually going to change this question into three parts:
What would I whisper to myself the day after...it's ok to ask to hold him again if you want to.
What would I whisper to myself the day I delivered him...don't be afraid, take as many pictures of him as you can
What would I whisper to myself the day I found out he was gone...this was not your fault and preventing people from being a part of his birth would be your biggest regret

Change is good...

As I received information from old co-workers regarding some of the decisions my last project is now making (which I would have been going nuts over), I received a "good job" email from not only my new boss but one of the more difficult individuals on my new team. I can safely say...this was a great week! My decision to switch jobs was a good one. My sanity is returning. My hours are more normal. I enjoy my job again!

The introductions are still not easy. Pretty much everyone has changed the topic shortly after any reference to Connor. But I'm actually ok with that...because it is difficult and at least they are not ignoring me and walking away. The bad part is that I think I still find that until someone connects (talks) with me regarding Connor, then I don't really feel the need to invest in much more that standard hellos...which I know is completely the opposite direction of making someone comfortable enough to talk to me. I guess the being burned by so many people has definitely impacted me even more than I care to admit.

On the parenting front...

Sean's night time routine is not working. He actually starts to get more wind up as it progresses from bath to teeth brushing to story time. We have tied so many different things. Each one works for about a week and then we're back to square one. We have ZERO problems putting him down for a nap and anyone else has ZERO problems putting him to bed at night. So I totally know it's a game that he's playing. I just can't figure out how to stop it. Especially without waking his sister that is in the next room. I get so angry and then I end up feeling even worse because at least he's breathing so why should I care if he doesn't want to go to bed immediately. Then I get annoyed because I just want five minutes to myself and then I feel guilty because I don't want to be with him every second of the day. Aside from this issue, everything else is great. He's seriously a very well behaved adorable three year old!

Keira is doing well also. I am finding myself getting a little anxious about her thumb sucking. Neither of my kids (well living ones) took to a pacifier. Keira started on her thumb at about 6 months. For the most part it's only right as she is getting tired and going to sleep but she will do it when she is really upset too. I would have preferred the pacifier...I can take that away...I can't take her thumb away. I guess I should look up when thumb suckign becomes bad for their teeth. Why is that we keep having teeth problems!

Basic Introduction is not easy

My name is Tricia
I'm married to Pete for 5 plus years
I have 3 - wait 2 - wait 3 - children

Do I become that person the first day? Do I alienate new people right from the start? Will people understand? Will I be ok if I don't acknowledge?

In the end, I said I had young children at home during the mass company introduction. Then during my team, acknowledged all three children. I don't know if it hurt my relationship building - probably some of them yes considering I work with mostly men. However, it just felt right.

I put up my family picture and Connor's footprints in my office. I am going to be proud and not hide my reality.

New Work Place...

I made the leap...I will be giving notice at my current work place on Friday. I will be headed to a high tech (bleeding edge) high caliber company as a project manager. The interview process was extensive and I do have this feeling of honor that I was chosen. I will give two weeks and take one week for myself, so my start date will be 5/13!

My current co-workers are not going to be happy. I really don't want this to sound like I'm full of myself but I truly know that for the most part, I was a big part of the reason for the project's successes so far. People knew that they could depend on me to get the job done. My staff knew that I would protect them. This is the only bad part to this move, I feel like I will be letting them down. However, I know this is the right decision.

In fact, I'm having a very hard time already not wanting to tell numerous people what I truly think of the company and some of the "policies". For example, when I was interviewing they said "oh, you vest immediately"...what I didn't know is that really you have to be here for one year to qualify for match...then you have to be hear for another year to be eligible for match and then upon manager's discretion sometime in the summer they will match (smaller percentage) of your 401K. So I've been here for 2.5 years and received ZERO match so far...but I'll vest immediately if it were to be matched...LOL. I even pointed out that this is essentally a 3 year vest program and they just didn't get it. The worst part is if they do it to try to keep people, they really need to match at a much larger percent to make it worth it. Plus, money I've never seen on my statement is a ton easier to walk away from. This is one of MANY examples.

I always have a little fear when I start a new job...what if they figure out that I have no clue what I'm doing...what if they don't like me...what if I don't like them...what if they lied about average work week of 40-45 hours...what if I fail. The difference with these fears is that I have control over making them not turn into reality. I like fears that I can control.

Where's Sean?

I leave for work or the gym each weekday about 5 in the morning. This leaves Pete to taking the kids to day care. This is the story I got when Pete arrived to work...

So after you left, I woke up about 6 a.m. I noticed Sean's door was open but he wasn't in our bed. I went into the kitchen...nope not getting a snack. I went downstairs...nope not watching tv. Now I'm freaking out and can't find him. I go back up to our bedroom and happen to hear the dog (note: our 80 lb black lab/boxer) move in his crate (which is always open but he uses as his security corner/blanket). So I look inside and there is Sean and the dog both sound asleep.

One part of me says...how cute. The bigger part of me says...is this a sign for therapy already.